Why do so many of us struggle dealing with uncomfortable situations?

Why do we find an ocean of songs by singer/song-writer/producers expressing their pain or how they dealt with it? I’m sure you already have a few of your artist names in your head by now.

Why do we find ourselves going back to the same set of people/songs who resonate with our pain?

Is it really something to be talked about?

These are just some of the questions popping in our head as we grow up.

We’ve all experienced different kinds of pain. Why I chose to write on this topic now is because Quarantine has really taught all of us that we can’t really escape it fully unless we allow ourselves to feel it. Pain DEMANDS to be felt. Do you ever find yourself in the same uncomfortable situation but dealing with by going with your old pattern of management?

I know these are the times when everyone around you is telling you to be happy and cheerful, motivated, inspiring, to reach your full potential, mend old relationships, etc. It is very easy to belittle our pain in the midst of all this and avoid the mental dialogue we have with ourselves. But that very mental dialogue you have with yourself is what is the most crucial. You NEED to talk to yourself as if you are your best friend. How often do you do that?

I have caught me distracting myself with a new web series or pouring my energy into sorting out a friend’s issue. But when you keep avoiding it for a long time, it comes back to you at odd times: times that you don’t understand why you have those bouts of sadness or emptiness.

What is Pain?

Medically speaking, pain is an uncomfortable feeling that tells you something may be wrong. It can be steady, throbbing, stabbing, aching, pinching, or described in many other ways. Sometimes, it’s just a nuisance, like a mild headache. Other times it can be debilitating.

Since most of us are familiar with physical pain (if not, I am going to give a gist anyway), I’m here to talk about emotional pain and how it is related to physical pain.

Biology of physical Pain -

When we feel pain, such as when we touch a hot stove, sensory receptors in our skin send a message via nerve fibres to the spinal cord and brainstem and then onto the brain where the sensation of pain is registered, the information is processed and the pain is perceived. (The gate control theory of pain was put forward by Ronald Melzack and Patrick Wall in 1965)

 

Physical vs. Emotional Pain

While physical pain and emotional pain are different, there is research that suggests that both types of pain may share some neurological similarities. Both emotional and physical pain are linked to changes in the prefrontal cortex and cingulate cortex.

Emotional Pain -

Emotional pain is pain or hurt that originates from non-physical sources. Sometimes this emotional distress is the result of the actions of others. Other times, it might be the result of regret, grief, or loss. In other cases, it might be the result of an underlying mental health condition such as depression or anxiety.

No matter what the cause, this psychological pain can be intense and significantly affect many different areas of your life.

While it is often dismissed as being less serious than physical pain, it is important that emotional pain is taken seriously. There are a number of common feelings that are associated with emotional pain that can have an impact on both your physical and mental health.

It is also known as: Psychic pain, spiritual pain, psychalgia, emotional suffering, psychological pain, algopsychalia, soul pain, or mental pain.

Symptoms of emotional pain can include feelings of:

l Deep sorrow, sadness, or depression

l Grief

l Intense distress

l  Loneliness and isolation

l Negative emotions

l Panic

l Rage

l Shame

l Worthlessness

Causes

There are a number of different emotions that can lead to psychological pain. Everyone may experience these feelings from time to time, but when such feelings are intense and persistent, they can interfere with a person's ability to function and perform normal daily activities.

1. Sadness - Sadness is a natural emotion that is associated with loss and disappointment. However, if it doesn't fade with time, it might point to a treatable condition, depression, that can impact your whole body. If sadness lasts for more than just a few days and impacts your daily life, it may be necessary to seek out medical intervention.

2. Unexpressed Anger - Anger is a basic human emotion. It releases adrenaline, which increases muscle tension and speeds up breathing. This is the "fight" part of the "fight/flight/freeze" response. It can be mobilizing at times; however, if it's not adequately managed, this response can lead to long-term physical consequences.

3. Anxiety - As with anger, anxiety and fear both also release adrenaline. This generally results in jumpiness, a tendency to startle easily, the inability to relax (the "flight" response), or a feeling of being immobilized or stuck (the “freeze” response). In some people, anxiety is a symptom of an anxiety disorder, and psychotherapy or prescription medication can help. Anxiety can also be induced by substance use, in which case, quitting alcohol and drugs can often improve the symptoms.

4. Shame and Guilt - Shame and guilt often result in a feeling of "butterflies" or weight in the stomach. Common among people with addictions, shame leads to and is worsened by the need for secrecy. If not addressed, prolonged feelings of shame and guilt may lead to physical symptoms.

Impact

Psychological pain can also contribute to or worsen physical pain in different areas of the body. Some common types of physical pain that may be connected to emotional distress include:

l Diarrhea

l Dizziness

l Headaches

l Muscle pain, particularly in the neck

l Nausea

l Pain in the arms and legs

l Stomachache or gastrointestinal upset

 

Emotional pain can also be accompanied by:

l Aggression and violence

l Alcohol or substance use

l Attempted suicide

l Compulsive behaviors including shopping, gambling, and sex addiction

l Eating disorders

l Risky behaviors

l Self-harm

l Suicidal thoughts



Let’s take a look at these seven sources of emotional injury and briefly examine their cures or antidotes:

1.  Cuts and scrapes caused by rejection - Whether a friend stops returning your calls, a lover breaks up with you, someone unfriends you on Facebook, or your work buddies snub you, even if unintentionally, it hurts. You may become angry at them, yourself, or the world in general.  Even if the rejection is a slight one, it can be enough to cause you to question your self-worth. Winch’s remedy for rejection involves a four-pronged strategy:

- Don’t accept self-criticism

- rebuild your self-worth by focusing on your strengths

- find other people to fill the void

- desensitize yourself to the pain of future rejection through practice bouts in which you set yourself up for mild rejections that you can readily overcome.

2. The relationship muscle weakness of loneliness - The longer you go without relating closely to others, the more difficult it becomes to reestablish contact with new people, or even get back in touch with the old friends you’ve drifted away from. The good doctor recommends a set of strategies targeted to the specific cause of your loneliness. If you’re convinced that no one could ever love or care about you, try to fight that pessimism with some logical counter-arguments. That pessimism might include believing that others are always thinking negatively about you. Here again, try some logic to counter your skepticism by questioning your own negative assumptions. A variant of this skepticism is the tendency to engage in self-defeating behaviors that serve, ironically, to confirm your worst suspicions. Exercising your empathy can also strengthen your relationship muscles, making it more likely that those you care about will want to be close to you. One relatively easy strategy, though it requires some commitment, is to adopt a pet on whom you can practice getting and giving emotional rewards.

3. Broken bones of loss and trauma - Distress is a natural emotion that results when someone close to you dies or you suffer a traumatic experience involving your own safety. Some people seem to have a natural resilience, however, or at least an ability to recover that they develop over the course of their lives. The experience of loss also shatters your assumptions about the world, making you realize that it’s not as safe a place as you once thought. Winch wisely recommends that particularly in the immediate aftermath, you find a way to ease the pain that is consistent with your ordinary coping style. It may be too early for you to examine the meaning of the loss for your life and your future; instead, you may be better able to recover by giving yourself more time to heal.  

4. The poisonous effect of guilt - Rejection, loneliness, and loss are painful experiences caused, in part, by our need for strong connections with others. In guilt, you essentially are the source of your own unhappiness. Guilt can be adaptive when it shows you where you’ve strayed from your own moral compass. However, just as often as not, it’s unhealthy. Winch describes the three types of unhealthy guilt as unresolved, survivor, and separation (or disloyalty).

-Unresolved guilt refers to the feelings left behind when you believe you may not have completely apologized for a wrong you committed against another person even though, in reality, you did.

- Survivor guilt occurs when you literally outlive someone in a case where you easily could have died yourself.

-In separation guilt, you feel that you don’t have the right to pursue your own independent life and success because to do so makes others seem flawed in comparison. To overcome guilt, you need either to apologize (for the unresolved variety) or apologize to and then forgive yourself (for survivor or separation guilt). After you’ve forgiven yourself, you need to feel that it’s okay for you to re-engage with your life and go on to enjoy that success you feel so guilty about. The people you think you’re being disloyal to may, to your surprise, be the first in line to cheer you on.

5. Emotional scabs of rumination - Going over and over the unpleasant or disappointing experiences in your life, whether real or imagined, takes its toll on your well-being. Like a scar that you pick at over and over again, it will leave a permanent mark unless you learn how to stop. Rumination not only causes you to relive the pain of the initial experience, but also saps your cognitive resources by draining your mental energy and causing you to lose focus. The first step to overcoming rumination is to realize that other people don’t see the world the same way that you do. Make a mistake? Fail at an important goal? Trip and fall while walking down the street? The chances are, that you’re the one most aware of your small slip-ups. Once you realize this, you’ll be less likely to replay the event in your mind’s eye. If that doesn’t work, you can to distract yourself by focusing on something else. Like getting toddlers to play with their actual toys and not the dangerous objects near the ground that more often attract them, you need to be your own mom and make the harmless playthings look like fun. If it’s anger at someone else that you’re mulling over, try to put a positive spin on it. When people tease you or try to make you feel inadequate, reframe things so that you see their jabs as motivational fuel for your own self-improvement.

6. The psychological pneumonia of failure - You’ve probably discerned a theme by now running through the situations most likely to cause pain. When you’re thwarted in your ability to reach a goal, your self-esteem is bound to take a hit. We’ve already seen how much of a toll rumination and rejection can take; in part, the hurt you feel in these circumstances can be traced to the loss of face that accompanies mistakes and breakups. In addressing the problem of failure head on, Winch’s advice is to seek support from those closest to you who can help you gain perspective on the situation. They may also help you “get real,” and stimulate you to recognize that even though you may have failed in this one area of your life, it doesn’t mean that you are a complete and utter failure in all areas of life. By talking to someone else, you may also help to get the perspective you need so that you can look for a silver lining in the experience. Another treatment for overcoming feelings of failure applies to situations that haven’t happened yet but where you fear that your efforts will surely fall flat. Replacing anxiety, fear, and sadness with humor is another excellent way to cope with real or imagined failures. In this regard, imagining your own failure can be a major cause of performance anxiety. If you can find ways to distract yourself from your fear of failure, you can actually prevent the failure from happening.  



7.  Low self-esteem's danger to your emotional immunity - Having low self-esteem can certainly result from a number of the threats to your emotional health that we’ve already seen. However, once your self-esteem starts to dip, it can become a self-perpetuating process. You start to question yourself and your worth, and pretty soon you are making those mistakes and missteps that you feared would happen. With low self-esteem, you're more vulnerable to other people’s critical comments (real or imagined), you feel responsible for the bad things in your life, you ruminate over your frailties, and will lack the self-efficacy that you need to succeed at important life tasks. Many of the treatments Winch has already described can be applied, but in even larger doses, when it comes to building your self-esteem. These include having compassion for yourself (and those frailties) and taking a mental catalog of your strengths. You can also allow yourself to hear compliments for the well intentioned comments they are generally meant to be rather than questioning their sincerity. Finally, build up your mental reserves by practicing mindfulness, exercising your willpower “muscles,” and accepting the fact that occasional lapses and failures interfere with your best intentioned efforts.


Studies have found that when societies do not sanction grief, we internalize these standards and regard our emotions and reactions as less legitimate.


Emotions are useful. They help us adapt. We can’t control, stop, or get rid of them. However, what nature intended as a warning signal can blow up when we avoid them, push them down or use coping strategies that push them aside temporarily. That is why it gets difficult to cope with emotional pain.

Well no one really teaches us these stuff even in school. There is less exposure to it. The fact that all this goes virtually unrecognized, if not entirely ignored by society, makes our ordeal far more challenging than it already is. 

 

Hope this blog enlightened you as much as it did for me 💓