Anxiety : My Story.

"Why are you such a loser?"

"Why is your skin like that?"

"Girl you're dumb. Your GK is so poor"

"You're so not cool I can't be friends with you"

That's how the internalization of these comments started.

Hello everyone I am Revathi Ajayan and this is my first blog. And as I was going through different ideas, I decided to choose the most difficult one to talk about : Anxiety.

Yes, I know most of my friends and colleagues know me as a confident young woman who is energetic and sporty with no fear to do anything, But that is just the tip of the ice berg. No one knew what's going on inside. Because I chose to be that way.

Well, as far as I knew until a few years ago, that these were just regular emotions everyone had to deal with. But through the years I always wondered, why does everyone else look much less affected with this incident than me? Every emotionally taxing situation felt like me being at war with my mind when in the same place my friends would say that I am just 'overthinking'. Why was I constantly at war with my mind?

Would this overthinking end if I had a better skin?

Would it end if I had a better sense of 'being cool'?

Maybe it would. At least that's what I believed.

The 'what ifs' never ended.


 

Realization -

Fast forward to my college life when I met extremely supportive friends. But the comments and hurt were so internalized that I did not believe I deserved any respect or attention from any of my friends. I did not realize that the emotional bullying that I underwent in school was actually holding me back. I would freeze at the slightest mistake I did. I wanted to be a perfectionist.

Gradually as I finally realized that I needed help I looked up online in the hopes of finding an answer for all these raging emotions I had in myself. I just knew that I was no longer going to let my emotions kill my self worth.

I spoke to a professional who is till date a close friend, helping me understand my emotions.


Loving yourself and Healing -

As a matter of fact, I still do struggle with understanding and managing my emotions. But I can safely say that I am in a much better place than I used to be. At times, I still do shut down and prefer to simply ignore my emotions rather than actually facing it. But I'm learning to slowly unlearn my coping mechanisms. My mental health aware friends call me out for my regressive behavior. I no longer try to resist them. I accept myself the way I am.

I try to love myself the way I am.

All the 'unlovable parts' of myself have turned into aspects that make me.

I chose to talk about this because a lot of people have had the courage and bravery to talk to me about their struggles. Some of you out there think I have it all in life. The positiveness I radiate is all that is. I wrote specifically about dark parts of me to highlight that I am just another human like you. No special powers, no divine enlightenment. Just another fellow human embracing my scars and making it through every day with a will to be happy in whatever I do. Yes, I'm WILLING to be. That makes all the difference.

 

So friends, don't hesitate to ask for help if it's hard for you.

NO, you're not weak for doing so.

NO, they won't judge you for opening up.

NO, it's not worth bottling up all those emotions believing it's just you overthinking while everyone else seems to have it all together.

Check up on your friends and family, help each other.

After all, humans are social beings :)

 

Have you experienced any emotional setbacks in your life?

Let me know in the comments below !